Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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