Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We talked him into tasing himself.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
