Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
