My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
