I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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