my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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