i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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