Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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