I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
