I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
