When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
