someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
