My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
