god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
