Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
