I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You ruined the universe
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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