his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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