never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
