yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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