if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
