I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
