dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
