we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
