my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
