The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
