I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Randomize
