Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
