Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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