i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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