i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
