Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
