But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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