At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
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He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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