You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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