1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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