I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
