you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
