Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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