It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
