I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
