can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
