so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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