why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
