He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
