I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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