im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
