I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
