I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
