Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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