Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
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Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
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you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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