Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
