They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
