I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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