Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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