god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
