I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
