Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
