I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
