Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
